A Room of My Own

Ankara

I’ve had this fantastic fantasy I've been thinking about and embellishing over the years about .......
"a room of my own."
It's been a mirage I've recreated in my mind whenever I get down or discouraged.
For a long time I’ve dreamt of creating a work space for myself where I would have all my books, paints and supplies and I can work freely.  That's all I've ever needed to create something, so I've told myself over the years.
I can just see it now.....
In my dream I sit at a desk in front of a huge window looking out over a flower garden with lots of sunshine.  My husband might be sitting by my side, relaxing or reading (yeah I know, I can't even seem to be able to dream without him, there is no salvation for some, I guess.)
This would be my own room where I can work, write, paint, whatever my heart desires.   The kids are around somewhere in the background but not making any noise or demands.  There is a prevailing sense of serenity in this room where I sit and form what's in my head into palpable works.
Of course it is all rather ridiculous considering I have pretty much taken over the whole house including a room I use as a sort of study.  One might say what more could you possibly want? After all I have a room to sleep in, a room to live and entertain in, a room to cook in and even a room to sit
and watch the grass grow in.
I've tried to create just such a space for myself in my homes but it never seems to serve its purpose because I seem to find a lot of excuses for not using it.  I sometimes say it's too dark or that  it's downstairs when I need to be upstairs or it's just a mess making it impossible to get any decent work done.  But deep down I know that these are all just excuses for my own short comings.
I've led myself to believe that if I could recreate the room in my fantasy I could sit and do something.  There was a possibility of us moving to Istanbul last year and all that time I dreamt of not the perfect house for us, but the perfect house that had the perfect room for me.  I was really excited, this move to a new house that included my dream room, represented the beginning of a much anticipated life for me.  I was going to get my opportunity to resume my life as I had been dreaming of ever since the boys started school.  We didn't move and we continue as we were.
Well, my eyes have finally opened up and I can see clearly now that the fantasy is not actually about a space but a state of being.  My room is not built from brick or mortar but from hope and yearning.  What I've actually been craving for has been a place within my world, in my mind to call my own.  A place where I can exist and have all that I cherish around me without them actually crowding me in, making demands.  A place where I have a right to be who I want to be, no interference only acceptance.
While I have been building dream castles in my mind, I've also been laying the blame someplace else.
All this time it was so easy to blame someone else or circumstances for my lack of prolific achievements.  I don’t have that luxury anymore.  I know only I can create that state of
being for myself.
The good news is I’ve started to work lately.............anytime, anywhere.
Whenever I can squeeze in the time I write, I work on my illuminations and I don’t even use a specific room for any of it, any table or computer will do.
I guess the truth does actually set you free.
Ever since I’ve realized I am who I am and I have the right and the ability  to do what I want, life has been much sweeter and much more productive.
 

Here is to hoping that everyone can find a place of their own to be themselves freely. 

Turning "40"

Dear Friends,

I turn 40 this year and I have succumbed to the inevitable landmark birthday syndrome and I am in a state of panick. I find myself asking some tiresome questions....

Is this what I had planned to do with my life?

Have I had a profound affect on the people around me?

What kind of legacy will I leave behind?

How will I be remembered?

Many would say that I have done good, raising two boys and handling a husband is enough work on its own but how have I contributed to the world we live in?

Have I done anything of significance?

I don't know if it has to do with getting older or the concept of mortality finally sinking in, I find myself reflecting on these issues quite a lot lately.

Not many of us get to do anything earth shattering in our lifetimes but we exist, we breath, we occupy a space and we interact so we should have something to say. I've been trying to find a way to express myself for sometime now and I think I may have finally found an outlet.

You.....

I've decided to share my feelings, ideas and views of the world with you. You may do what you like with these, reply if you want to, share if you've enjoyed them or just simply ignore them. I don't mind.

There was a lot I was suppose to do by the time I got to be 40. I should've had a momentus achievement of some kind to show for my life's work. Everytime I have to fill out an application, I dread the moment when I have to put down my occupation............."housewife".
I don't consider my occupation to be a housewife really, I despise housework and I'm quite bad at it. So what does that leave me with? What is my occupation, what do I do in life?

All I can say for myself right now is that I am the mother of 2 teenager boys and a wife; even though I know deep in my heart, that's the only thing that matters, I still feel the need to be something. Something that will be just "me".

I've been reading about the lives of aristocratic English Ladies who lived in the 18th and 19th centuries and I'm finding their lives fascinating because of the similarities with our own lives. Our situations could not be more different but at the heart of it we are still women, with the same kind of needs and ambitions and feelings. These women corresponded excessively in their day and its because of these letters that today we can read about them and try to understand them and the time they lived in. I won't be so bold as to say that my ambition is to reach that level of recognition but I would like to have a collection of correspondence with people who matter to me that are more than the occasional amusing email. Who knows maybe by my birthday I'll have a collection of letters written to "dear friends" that have been read by someone.

This is a warning that you will soon be receiving strange and deep emails that you may wish to avoid so be prepared. They are from your friend who is trying to age gracefully and have fun.

Enjoy (I hope)
Love,

Sedef