The Notion of Romantic Love... Is it just a Fantasy?

Ankara
After reading my last letter, a friend of mine asked the question why do we believe the unattainable notion of romantic love, why don't we recognize that romantic love is an illusion and try to opt for a healthy partnership
instead?

I thought long and hard on this, I even looked up romantic love in the dictionary.  When I couldn't find anything on that, I looked up romance and found some interesting explanations that I would like to share with you:
-  Formerly, a long narrative in verse or prose, originally written in one of the Romance dialects, about the   adventures of knights and other chivalric heroes.
-  Later, a fictitious tale of wonderful and extraordinary events, characterized by much imagination and idealization.
-  A type of novel in which the emphasis is on love, adventure, etc.
-  Excitement, love and adventure of the kind found in such literature.
-  An exaggeration or fabrication that has no real substance
- A love affair......

This was good, for a starting point but not enough to satisfy me, so I continued my search on the web for "romantic love".

The first things that came on the right side of my screen were all kinds of websites to help me find my true love, my soul mate.   Well, I thought, is that what people need to find romantic love, look it up on the internet?????
Hmmm..............

Since I think I'm as set as I'm likely to be on that point I went on to check out what the web had to say and I did find something interesting.  One encyclopedia stated that the Anglo-Saxon scientific thought ignored the
process of falling in love and loving, treating it as a temporary cultural phenomenon and romantic love did not come into recognition as a passion until the Middle Ages.  When people couldn't get together because of
overwhelming conventions or morality, rousing unfulfilled drives and emotions, they idealized the beloved and wrote songs, poetry to win over their love.   (In the end, Art won)
There was also an inclusive list of properties to look for in romantic love; how it must take you by surprise, how it cannot be easily controlled, and it is suppose to be the highest form of self-fulfillment, among other things.

One other important bit of information that kept on coming up was about the supposition that romantic love depended on the randomness of the encounters.  If this were true, does romantic love not exist outside of the western culture, where men and women do not mix as freely, and arranged marriages are still the norm?  Sometimes those partnerships born out of arranged marriages seem to work out much better than their western counterparts because when the partners are matched up, ideally, their backgrounds and natures are suppose to be taken into consideration (something we might overlook at the heat of the moment?)
But not to worry, they say with globalization the ideas of love have spread throughout the world.  That really puts my mind at ease; now everyone around the world can be just as miserable as we are prone to be due to a lack of prospects.

Armed with all this knowledge, can we say that romantic love is nothing but a gross exaggeration?   Is it a complete fabrication that only exists in our minds?
Even if it is so, is it any less real????
If romantic love is just a fantasy, an ideal that can never be achieved, why do we persist on believing something that doesn't exist?
Why keep on pursuing something that in the end might hurt or disillusion us?

I think Sophocles said it best - “One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: That word is Love."

I am not a psychologist and I have not studied human nature academically but I do know that we all need to love and be loved.   And as a woman I feel that the idea of romantic love is essential in our lives to justify most of our relationships; let's face it we do tend to be more benevolent and indulgent.   So why not put a nice face on it?

I think the problem is not with the concept of romantic love but our culture dictating how it is suppose to be.   We are told what romantic love looks like, feels like and what we have to do to possess it.  We are shown the way it is suppose to be and if we don't comply then I guess we are not worthy of it.

I remember when we were first married, every time we came home from a romantic movie I wouldn't talk to my husband because I was upset that he never looked at me the way the hero of the movie looked at his leading lady.  The poor guy had to spend hours trying to convince me that what we had was real and the actors on the screen were just that, actors, who took lessons in perfecting just those looks.   But I knew better, I had watched and read about love and romance enough to know what it looked like.  I had garnered my notions from fairy tales that were represented as real, all around me, so when faced with reality, it didn't live up, no matter how sweet and poignant.

We build our hopes and dreams on an idealized way of life shown us from birth, no one ever tells us about different human natures and tendencies.  But we are all unique and I don't think there is any one mold that can fit us all.  So, how can we expect our relationships to fit into preset casts?  The truth is a real relationship, romantic or not, is a lot of hard work.  Our lives are a work in progress, and that's what makes it so exciting.

We should just be careful about whom to bestow our favors on.  With anyone undeserving, we would be wasting our precious time and energy that even romance couldn't fix in the long run.

What I want to know now is how do we go from being girls fluttering around, being romanced, full of joy and excitement to these sensible, circumspect women that just want to be a party in a healthy partnership?  When does the transformation start from butterfly to queen bee?   I guess that will have to be a topic for another time.

May all our lives be full of the joys of first love or at least the creativity to perceive it as such.

Share and Share Alike

Ankara

I recently heard the story of a very amusing, eccentric, fifty something woman who smokes about three packs a day, watches movies from midnight to about five in the morning and sleeps most of the morning away.  She
apparently lives with her husband of many years but on different floors of the same house, at different hours of the same day.  When presented with the opportunity of sharing her hours and interests with her spouse, she finds that he either falls asleep or resents her for compelling him to do yet another thing he is not interested in doing.  So instead of ringing his neck, like she might be inclined to do, she leaves him alone and goes about her life as she wishes.

Reflecting on all I had heard, I found that I understood her and thought her wise.  Do we have the right to condemn someone to a lifetime of activities they have no inclination to try or enjoy, just because we have
made the commitment to live together till death do us part?  Can we respect them enough to let them lead their own lives as they see fit, just as we should lead our own.

Of all the relationships I've observed I see that the most common desire amongst women seems to be to share more and amongst men to be just left alone.  It seems to me that women are indulged more in the early stages of the relationship and later on they are expected to settle in to a nice, calm and undemanding existence.  Most women seem to have an insatiable appetite for attention and sharing while as for most men, all this seems to be is a nuisance they have to put up with to get what they want.  After a while men seem to complain about the nagging and the interfering, while the women complain about the lack of attention and communication in the relationship.

So, who is right?  Do we have the right to expect more from them?  Is it so hard to comply with at least some of our wishes?  Are their wishes less important than ours?

It seems that as time goes by each individual gets more distinctive in his or her personal traits and habits.  It also seems that we all want to be understood and accepted as we are.  But do we try to accept and understand the other side?  What if all he wants to do in his spare time is to sit and watch a bunch of grown men run around after a ball for hours?  Do we have the right to demand, in the name of sharing, he watch an "interesting" movie with us instead?  How many of us can successfully join in our partner's favorite pastimes without talking or doing something that distracts them?   

For years, whenever my husband and I traveled any where we used to have some major disagreements about the way we wanted to enjoy our vacation.   I wanted to see as much as possible of whatever history and art the city had to offer while he just wanted to find out about the nice restaurants and maybe take a scenic look at the city, try to get a feel for it and that'sit.  My problem was I wanted to share all I saw with him.  I wanted to get his opinion on what I saw and let it be a part of our combined experience.  I used to plead and try to entice him into doing what I wanted until we ended up fighting.  After a while, I realized, he might not be interested in seeing all the museums of all the European cities we have traveled to and he might just want to enjoy the city in his own way.  He has a right to his preferences as much as I have a right to mine.  So now when we travel, I leave him on his own to do whatever he wishes until I join him in whatever activity we might enjoy together.  I find we have a lot more to contribute to one another when we get together after a day spent on our own respective interests.

If we were to manage this in our everyday lives, would we succeed in making things work more pleasantly to suit everybody involved?  Is there enough love and understanding in our relationships to accept each other as the individuals we are and persevere?  I sure hope so. 

A life shared with an unwilling companion would be pure drudgery as oppose to someone who has an open mind, in which case it could be close to paradise.

I hope and pray for more understanding and acceptance in all our relationships with our chosen partners in life.

A Room of My Own

Ankara

I’ve had this fantastic fantasy I've been thinking about and embellishing over the years about .......
"a room of my own."
It's been a mirage I've recreated in my mind whenever I get down or discouraged.
For a long time I’ve dreamt of creating a work space for myself where I would have all my books, paints and supplies and I can work freely.  That's all I've ever needed to create something, so I've told myself over the years.
I can just see it now.....
In my dream I sit at a desk in front of a huge window looking out over a flower garden with lots of sunshine.  My husband might be sitting by my side, relaxing or reading (yeah I know, I can't even seem to be able to dream without him, there is no salvation for some, I guess.)
This would be my own room where I can work, write, paint, whatever my heart desires.   The kids are around somewhere in the background but not making any noise or demands.  There is a prevailing sense of serenity in this room where I sit and form what's in my head into palpable works.
Of course it is all rather ridiculous considering I have pretty much taken over the whole house including a room I use as a sort of study.  One might say what more could you possibly want? After all I have a room to sleep in, a room to live and entertain in, a room to cook in and even a room to sit
and watch the grass grow in.
I've tried to create just such a space for myself in my homes but it never seems to serve its purpose because I seem to find a lot of excuses for not using it.  I sometimes say it's too dark or that  it's downstairs when I need to be upstairs or it's just a mess making it impossible to get any decent work done.  But deep down I know that these are all just excuses for my own short comings.
I've led myself to believe that if I could recreate the room in my fantasy I could sit and do something.  There was a possibility of us moving to Istanbul last year and all that time I dreamt of not the perfect house for us, but the perfect house that had the perfect room for me.  I was really excited, this move to a new house that included my dream room, represented the beginning of a much anticipated life for me.  I was going to get my opportunity to resume my life as I had been dreaming of ever since the boys started school.  We didn't move and we continue as we were.
Well, my eyes have finally opened up and I can see clearly now that the fantasy is not actually about a space but a state of being.  My room is not built from brick or mortar but from hope and yearning.  What I've actually been craving for has been a place within my world, in my mind to call my own.  A place where I can exist and have all that I cherish around me without them actually crowding me in, making demands.  A place where I have a right to be who I want to be, no interference only acceptance.
While I have been building dream castles in my mind, I've also been laying the blame someplace else.
All this time it was so easy to blame someone else or circumstances for my lack of prolific achievements.  I don’t have that luxury anymore.  I know only I can create that state of
being for myself.
The good news is I’ve started to work lately.............anytime, anywhere.
Whenever I can squeeze in the time I write, I work on my illuminations and I don’t even use a specific room for any of it, any table or computer will do.
I guess the truth does actually set you free.
Ever since I’ve realized I am who I am and I have the right and the ability  to do what I want, life has been much sweeter and much more productive.
 

Here is to hoping that everyone can find a place of their own to be themselves freely.